Matty told Hatty, “That’s the thing to do. Get you someone really to pull the wool with you.” Wooly bully, wooly bully. Wooly bully, wooly bully, wooly bully. -Sam the Sham & the Pharaohs
This ain’t no Weekend at Bernies. This ain’t no Weekend With Maurie and Connie. No. I’m like Sam Quint. I’m not talkin’ about pleasure boatin’ or day sailin’. I’m talkin’ about workin’ for a livin’. I’m talkin’ about sharkin’. I’m talking about NFL Wildcard Weekend. I’m talking about NFL Playoff football. Growds folks’ football. Win or go home football. In this version of the NFL, there’s two kinds of teams my friend: Those with big time quarterbacks, and those who dig. Let’s see who’s who, shall we? Sure we shall!
New Orleans Saints v. Seattle Seahawks
You wanna know how good Drew Brees is? Huh? Do ya? Thought you did. Ten different Saints have caught at least 23 passes. Yowza! 10! For 23 passes! Goodness! You know what that is? That’s an NFL record. That’s what that is. Not only that, but nine players have caught at least 29 passes. Holy cow! Now, there’s an old adage in football. You might have heard it. Defense wins championships. True as that may be, I’ll tell you what else wins championships. A guy like Drew Brees wins championships. A guy who can really throw. Throw to and fro. A guy who really lets it go. A guy who has let it go for well over 4,000 yards for five consecutive seasons. What if you have a guy like that there but can also protect the football? I’ll tell you what you get. You get something very special. You get a guy like Drew Brees. You get a win on Saturday. This is what Drew Brees does to Seattle on Saturday:
Jets v. Colts
Know this: I hate Rex Ryan. I loathe Rex Ryan. Abhor Rex Ryan. Rex Ryan said: “Nobody studies like Peyton Manning. I know Tom Brady thinks he does and all that stuff. But I think there’s probably a little more help from Bill Belichick with Brady than there is with Peyton Manning.” Now I don’t know about all that. But I do know Peyton Manning is better than Mark Sanchez. It is no secret that over here at JQP Productions we are New England Patriots fans. Being Patriots fans inherently means hating the Indianapolis Colts. Ipso facto, we also hate Peyton Manning. Don’t believe me? Just ask Dollar Bill Simmons. Howeva! However, I know of only one other quarterback in the National Football League who could do as much with as little with this year’s edition of the Colts. But again, this isn’t about Tom Brady. This is about Peyton Manning and I’m not the kind the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around. Peyton Manning led this decimated Colts team to the top the AFC South. Peyton Manning is leading the this decimated Colts team to yet another Super Bowl bid. Mr. Sanchez, I served with Peyton Manning. I knew Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning was a friend of mine. Mr. Sanchez, you’re no Peyton Manning. This is what Peyton Manning does to the Jets on Saturday:
Ravens v. Chiefs
This is a tough one. A rough one. A stickier than Marshmallow Fluff one. I do love me some Matt Cassel. How could I not? Two years back, without Tom Brady, Mighty Matt Cassel kept the New England Patriots in the hunt. He’s a goddamn quarterback! He’s the leader of a team. A team who will break their ribs and their noses and their necks for him, because they believe. ‘Cause he makes them believe. He’s made us all believe. Mighty Matt Cassel, that’s a quarterback! Having said all that, I still gotta go Joe Flacco here. I go Joe Flacco here for one reason and one reason only. A pretty good reason if I do damn say so my own damn self. That reason? Experience. Joe Flacco now joins Dan Marino and Bernie Kosar as the only quarterbacks since the 1970 NFL merger to make a playoff start in three consecutive postseasons. I just hope Joe has better luck than Dan and Bernie done did. This is what Joe Flacco does to the Chiefs on Sunday:
Packers v. Eagles
Now don’t get me wrong here, I had Aaron Rodgers on my fantasy team this year. I know what kind of a monster this cat can be. I just don’t know if he has that “it” factor. He hasn’t shown “it” in the past. Rodgers has an 0-1 postseason record. He has a 2-13 record in games decided by four points. That ain’t “it.” Tom Brady has “it.” Drew Brees has “it.” Peyton Manning has “it.” And Michael Vick surely has “it.” Don’t believe me? Just ask opposing coach Mike McCarthy. ”He is the type of player that will try to put the team on his back and carry them. The man is a warrior.” He most certainly is. This season, in 12 games, Vick warriored for 3,018 passing yards. He warriored for 676 rushing yards and combined for 30 touchdowns. He threw six interceptions and his 62.6 completion percentage and 100.2 passer rating were the highest of his career. The man is simply on a mission. There’s no way he let’s his Eagles team lose this game. You heard? No way! This is what Mike Vick does to the Packers on Sunday:
Peace out homies. Six two and even!
